I haven't blogged in years. No, scratch that, I haven't blogged in almost six years. The last blog entry I did before this was put down when I was only 14.
I'm almost 20 now.
What will this blog do for me? Probably not much. But it is an outlet, something I need desperately. It will be a place for my thoughts, and my musings. A place to chronicle my mind more than my life. Because what life I have can be relatively boring. But the emotions and thoughts that make up my day are much more interesting than the events that cause them.
I suppose to begin we need a picture of where I am at now. What my current status is.
And to discuss that I must first discuss one of the largest parts of my life right now.
I am single, which is strange for me. Because for three of the past six years that I have not blogged I was in a relationship with a boy that I loved more than I can ever express in words. A boy I feel I have hurt. And still hurt, just by existing. It's much more complicated than just being single and still trying to be friends. Because he is also dating my best friend. I love and care for them both so much, and wish them so much happiness. However more and more I feel my own happiness slipping. Not because I am single, but because I am isolated. Something I am working to change. Back to the topic at hand. Every time I see him, it's like he's screaming. I can see the pain, feel the pain, almost hear the pain that comes off of him in waves. The guilt he feels over breaking up with me, the sadness he feels because I haven't moved on completely, the confusion as to why I don't hate him. And because of that I've tried to distance myself as best I can. Relegate myself to nothing more than a good friend. Because as long as he is in a relationship that is all I can and will be.
More and more I find that he is confused around me. Because he feels helpless or useless in his attempts to help me. So many of the people around me are convinced that my depression and my pain is linked to the breakup. And maybe they are right, that part of it is. But, I'd rather believe that my resolve is stronger than that. No I turn to other causes outside of that. And I move to rectify and change them, to better my life and my emotional state.
And that's what this blog is a part of. It will help me get my thoughts down and identify the parts of me that need to be changed, eliminated, or evolved to move forward.
Here's hoping it works,
Mara
