Last month I found a girl. A girl who professed to love me. A girl that holds me and tells me I am her everything. She tells me every day how much she loves me and how lucky she is to have me. It's everything that I could ever want. And slowly--so very slowly--I am growing closer to her. Because I am still so very afraid. Afraid of my own feelings, afraid of being loved, afraid of letting someone close again.
I'm terrified of LOVE. The one thing I used to live for. The thing that made me believe the world was so fucking amazing it took my breath away. And I'm afraid of it now. Afraid of that closeness. Afraid that I'll get attached again, and that when I watch her walk away like he did I won't be able to pick myself up, I so barely scraped by last time. I'm still scraping by now. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. Lying to myself, lying to everyone around me.
My friends see it more readily than I am willing to admit it. The love that is still in my eyes. The way my smile springs so readily to my lips around him. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for still loving him. Because he loves my best friend. I should have better control over myself. I know that pain. I KNOW how it feels to see the person you love be in love with your best friends. And I can't stop. I can't stop loving that moron.
And all of this terrifies me. Absolutely terrifies me. Because I have found someone who is devoted to me. Someone who makes me smile and laugh. Who tells me every day the things I never thought anyone would tell me ever again. She makes me feel wanted...makes me feel like I am perfect...when the last person who told me I was everything threw me away like nothing.
I'm so lost. And on top of that I have to deal with my grandmother being diagnosed with brain cancer. I don't know what to do.
