I finally figured it out.

I figured out exactly what I want to say. How to put the words in order so they make sense. How to show you how much pain I've been in, all the close calls. All the times I just lay there and didn't move because I didn't feel ANYTHING anymore. And then I look at you. And I look at her. And I just can't do it. I can't say it anymore. It's like I have this goddamned stopper in my throat. Because I see you both being so happy. And I don't want to be the one to break that. Can you understand how absolutely devastating that is to me? I've struggled for almost a year to finally move on. To get past all the fucking pain that's been beating in on me from every angle. To get past the betrayal, to get past the anger. And I can finally explain it all and I just can't fucking do it!

I forgave more than any human being should ever forgive. You broke my heart. You broke my mind. And I forgave you. I forgave you for everything you did while we were together. I forgave you for lying to other people about it. I forgave her for courting you while we were still together. I forgave the three of you for kicking me to the side of the road. I forgave the three of you for fucking up my emotions and my feelings so you could pursue your own happiness. I forgave you EVERY TIME you called me a bitch. Called me a liar. Called me a coward. Told me it was my fault you broke up with me. Called me a bad girlfriend. I forgave you when you laughed in my face. I forgave you when you told me that you had told me you loved me just to get me to hang up the phone. I forgave you telling me how you had to put up with my baggage when you knew that was what I was the most afraid of. When you knew that I was so afraid that no one could ever accept me because of the mental SHIT I had been put through. I forgave you for telling me that I would have to change to earn you back. I forgave you every time you told me that I was just trying to guilt you when I tried to explain how I felt. I forgave you for telling me that I WAS IN THE WRONG for taking time to myself, because something good happened to you that month. I forgave you for telling me that I was a nuissance. I forgave you for not being there for me all those times I needed to talk and you couldn't or didn't want to because it would be "depressing". When you have been, and still are the only person I could ever really talk to. The only person I feel comfortable asking things of or talking to about how I feel, because I haven't let anyone else close enough to know if I can. I forgave you for being mad at me for wanting to take this month to myself. I forgave you when you could NEVER forgive me for even the smallest thing! I forgave you all for never standing up for me when he called me things. I forgave you when I knew that I could never turn to her anymore for someone to stand up for me to the only person at the time that was treating me wrong. I forgave you. I FORGAVE ALL OF IT. I sat there, and I tried so fucking hard to be ANGRY at any of you for all of it. And I couldn't. For the life of me I couldn't be mad at you. Because I am so goddamned horrible at being angry about anything. Because I still cared about ALL of you. Because I still thought of all of you like my family. Because I still loved every single one of you despite it all. Person after person have told me to just cut you out. To cut you out of my life and I can't do it. I can't. I can't stop CARING about you, or her, or any of the people who have hurt me. I can't stop sitting here wanting to know you guys are smiling and happy. I can't stop sitting here LOVING you all unconditionally, because you're my best friends. And you are the people that finally showed me how I can belong somewhere.

But what hurt me. What killed me. Is how YOU were the person to call me a bitch. YOU were the person to call me a coward, and a liar. You have called me things no one else has. YOU the person I loved completely for three years. YOU the person I gave my heart to. The person that finally got me to trust people again. In this past year you have called me things that if anyone else called me you would have punched them in the face. You have called me things that were it anyone else I would have walked away. And for some strange fucking reason I still couldn't be mad at you. I would be upset. And it would hurt. It would hurt so bad that all I could do there was sit there and sob. But I couldn't be mad at you. Because you always told me how it was justified. Because of something I had done. Because I was a bad friend. Or because I had done this or that. And I believed you. There was that little part of me that whispered that I deserved the pain. Because I had hurt you. Somewhere in there I had hurt you--cuz that's what you kept telling me. That I had hurt YOU. The one person I never wanted to hurt. You who have shown me the best of myself, and called me the WORST. Because it's YOU saying these things. The one person I promised myself I'd never hurt is telling me I've done something inexcusable. You keep saying how YOU deserve an apology for all the pain I've caused you. How you deserve an apology for me not texting you when your sister came back. How that makes me a bad person, and a bad friend. How Holly and Chester are better friends than me. And I sit there and I take it, and I cry because I figure if you're saying it then it has to be true. If you--the person I have trusted the most--says that I've hurt you, and that you deserve an apology it must be true right? And no matter what you've done, or what you've called me, or the pain I'm in I APOLOGIZE. I always end up apologizing either for taking up your time, or telling you how I feel, or even for something YOU think I did. Even if the conversation started with YOU hurting ME I'm the one who apologizes in the end. And you are always so fucking stubborn you can't even make a proper apology until after I do. Until after I don't want one anymore. After I've given up on even getting one. THEN you apologize. THEN you swallow your pride long enough to say "I'm sorry" just once. And we laugh, and we shrug it off. Because you apologized to me, and that means everything to me. Except that's never the end of it. You're always STILL mad at me. No matter my apology, no matter ANYTHING that you or I have done two weeks later you are STILL so hurt over this that you will call me a bad friend. And it kills me every single time. Because I KNOW that I am a good friend. Hell I am an AMAZING friend. And those two words from you kill all of it! They kill everything I've worked for, because all I want is to see you, and her, and ALL of them happy and smiling. Because you KNOW that's all I want in this life. Is to work to show other people how amazing life is. To show people how HAPPY life is. And that....out of all of it...is one of the things that hurts the most. I sat there for almost a year, slowly pushing everything inside because I didn't want to hurt any of you. Because every time I opened my mouth to ask for help, every time I opened my mouth to say how hurt I was all I got in return was how bad a friend I was. Or how I had horrible timing and only brought people down. When I was trying to reach out to anyone who would listen. When I was breaking my silence to beg for someone to see how much I was hurt. So I learned not to. I didn't once call any of you bad friends. Not once. In fact whenever any of you said what horrible friends you were I'd disagree, because that's what I believed. No matter what I knew you were all amazing people, amazing friends. Despite that the people I trusted most showed me how little my feelings meant to them when compared to their own happiness. Despite the times you yelled at me, and called me things that no friend would EVER call another. Despite all of that I never called any of you bad friends, because I knew how much that would hurt you. And I know that a lot of what you said was said out of anger. Out of pain. I know how hard it is for you to control what you say when you are hurting, because you hurt others before they can hurt you back. But it doesn't change what was said. It's not an excuse for the things that have been tearing into me for almost a year. It's never an excuse if I ever did anything like that. Whenever I said something out of anger the fact I was angry or upset never mattered.

And what still hurts is that no one really reacts anymore that you did all this. Yeah Chester was upset for a while. But now the only person that was even mildly upset this last time you called me a bitch and all those things was Kendra. You told me I walked away from the people that "gave a shit about me" and that I labled you bad influences. But at that point I was walking away from the guy who'd been calling me a bitch, a liar, and a bad friend for almost a year, and the friend who I had poured my heart out to and had done everything that she knew would kill me. I know you are going through things, hell I know you all are. And I'm sitting here telling myself how fuckin selfish I am. How I don't DESERVE to be hurt by any of this. Because I obviously did something! I had to have done something really shitty to have this much bad fuckin karma. To have this much emotional trauma thrown at me.

None of you know about how often my mom had to come into my room to make sure I was still there because I hadn't moved in over two days. Because I didn't WANT to move. Because I didn't feel anything. Literally. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry. I was just apathetic. About everything. And you know what? Most times I've tried to tell any of you about this all I get is a "I'm going through stuff too, we just move forward." Do you even understand how much it TAKES to get me to break? Did none of you see how DEAD I was? And yeah, I moved forward. I kept fucking trecking forward with people who checked up on me every day. People who tried to make me smile every single fucking day. People that, despite dying relatives, parental issues, boyfriend issues, anything would make sure to talk to me at least once a day to make sure I was doing okay. People who sat there and held me when I cried. KENDRA who cried WITH me. Kendra who cried FOR me because she knew I couldn't. I surrounded myself with these people for a month, and what do I return to? The one person that I am afraid of hurting the most, the one person that can HURT me the most plotting to make my life hell. Plotting to make every moment awkward and difficult. Trying to take the one thing that I had found peace in, the one thing that in that past year had given me strength and solace away from me. Trying to take the FAMILY I had finally felt like I was a part of away from me. Why? Because I had hurt him. Again. Somehow I had hurt the one person that I never wanted to hurt again. By doing something that killed me. By walking away from people I loved so I could be selfish FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I could be selfish and focus on making myself BETTER.

I'm not gonna sit here and say that you are bad people. Because you're not. You are all wonderful fucking people. You're amazing people that I love with all my goddamned heart. But what I will say is that you hurt me. There aren't words to describe just how much you all hurt me.And I know that you are upset. And I know that you feel guilty. And I know you will never forgive yourself. But I just want it to stop. I just want the name calling to stop. I WANT YOU TO STOP HURTING ME. Please....please please please please....stop calling me these horrible things that sink right to my soul and make all the pain come back. Stop calling me things that no one besides you have ever called me. Because I can't be mad at you. And I can't fight back. Because I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt any of you. But I've been broken for almost a year, and I've only just patched some of the cracks. I'm still trying to piece myself together. And all I can think about is how to make things right by you. How to prove myself to you guys again because I love you all so much and I don't want you to hate me. I don't want you guys to hate me anymore....because these things you call me and this pain you've caused me is what you do to people you hate...and I just want you guys to love me again.....please....please just...I don't want to be broken anymore. And every time you call me a bitch. Every time you tell me how I've hurt YOU I break a little bit again.