Really I wish the night would just end. I’ve tried to sleep three times now and had nightmares the whole time. I keep waking up in tears over school, over my heart, over HIM. That’s sorta my sticking point right now. That’s what I need to rant about to get it out of my system and maybe get some sleep. Not school or important shit. A goddamned boy of all things. FUUUUUCK you brain/heart. Fuck you.
I had this really long conversation with my friend Gom the other night. Gom is just so fucking amazing, and has helped me through so much. I can always go to Gom when I need to just bounce something off of someone and get a no-bullshit sees-both-sides answer. And I talked about something that’d been bugging the fuck out of me for nearly a week.
Walking home from the Lunar Festival Chester said something that just, turned everything back on it’s ass again for me. Every time I lie to myself and tell myself that I’m past James, and I’m over him, it’s just that…it’s a damn lie. And Chester told me straight up everyone knows it. He said the reason he didn’t want to hook up with me back when we were entertaining the idea of a relationship was because he knows my loyalty was with James, and that it still is. That if the two of them were drowning I’d try my damnedest to save both of them, but that I’d still go for James just that much more. And Kendra gave me that look of hers that I know means she agrees. And it just…within a split second I bounced back and forth from pissed, to depressed, to frustrated with myself, back to depressed, back to pissed, to fuck everything, to that odd in-between feeling when you’re not quite sure what to do.
So I talked to Gom, because I know when I really need someone to get down to business Gom is there.
And I said it straight, part of me is goddamn frustrated with the whole fucking thing. Because the choice to move on and get over him and move on rests with me. It’s like I’m sitting in a room by myself, staring at a button and just refusing to push it. And I don’t even know WHY I don’t want to push it. I’m the one holding onto these feelings. I’m the one that won’t let go. And I don’t know why I’m refusing to. Cuz that part of my heart that still beats for him sits there like a stubborn little bitch, holding down camp.
I mean honestly looking back I’ve made peace with the breakup. I’ve made peace with the bullshit he and Holly and Nigel all pulled on me afterwords. I know that our relationship, as it was, was in a bad spot at that point. For tons of reasons, his confusion and need to roam not withstanding. I was spiraling into a deep depression, pushed farther by him falling for other girls as I tried to cling to him. Because somewhere along the line I started associating my self worth with his love. And that wasn’t right. And that contributed to the end as well. I’ve made my peace with all of that, and I don’t hate him, and am not angry with him for that.
It’s just the goddamn part of me that’s still head over heels for him that confuses me. Because, while I know he’s not an asshole…well not intentionally…I also know he doesn’t know what the fuck he wants. He’s in love with three people—me among them—and is just avoiding the question while he sits comfortably with one of us. And that’s on him. And I don’t want someone like that. I want someone who will be strong for me when I need them as much as I can be strong for them. I want someone who loves ME, who knows that even if someone else is attractive it doesn’t matter because they have ME. I want dedication. But above all else I want passion. I want real mind bending, earth shattering, love. I want that feeling of waking up next to someone and seeing them drooling on the pillow next to me and smiling. Knowing that seeing their smile every day makes everything worth it.
That’s what I want. I used to feel that with James. Fuck maybe in ways I still do. Because let's be honest...I still dream about him. I still go off into fantasy lands where Mara and Jirou are still meant for each other. And that's all it is, a fantasy land. Because, honestly, I know if they ever break up I'm not an option. And I damn well know that as he is James can’t offer it. Now if only my heart were as logical as my brain. Fuck off heart. Fuck right off. Let me sleep. Stop sitting there feeling sad over things you can’t change. Stop wishing for things you can’t have. Because in the end, you don’t want them to break up anyways. You want them to be happy, just like you want to be happy. And that’s that.
I just wish it wouldn’t hurt so much knowing how much they share. Knowing how much she loves him. Knowing how little she cares that I’m hurting. Knowing how she wants to spend her life with him, just like I used to. The pain is just…getting to me a little too much. And that's annoying too. Because I'm really fucking tired of being hurt over them. Seriously, what the fuck? It's not like it's going to change, and it's not like Nigel ever bothered to apologize for the huge "fuck you" to my feelings, and to our friendship. I should stop expecting one.
Because the only one who's ever bothered to apologize properly is James.
Maybe that's why I'm still so damn loyal. Because he cared enough to actually apologize.
Fuck I hate tonight.
Add to that my growing dysphoria, general fears over coming out to the rest of my friends, and school...and it's a wonder I ever sleep at all. *sighs* Whatever. I dunno what I'm expecting from writing all of this out.... Maybe just a little clarity.
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